April 13, 2014


“It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want -oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” – Mark Twain

photo taken by: Laura Manske

“Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine”
- Mumford & Sons

Don’t let anyone control you or force you to change who you are. You are a wonderful person and if they can’t see that, then it’s their loss.

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” – Babe Ruth

Last Love Song

I am proud to admit that I am NOT a love expert. However, I will use my previous experiences to help me find a healthier relationship in the future. If you are like me, then you will understand perfectly.

I have been in a relationship for over two and a half years (staggered but it equals up to that time). Love is a confusing thing and life is impossible to understand. We have been friends for two years before we started dating. The day we decided to become more than friends, I thought I was in a wonderful dream. And it was a wonderful dream for the most part. Sure he would screw up and I would screw up but we always forgave each other and brushed it off. That was our thing. We’d break the glass then put the pieces back together because we didn’t want to lose each other. We had a vision of our future: a perfect house with a happy marriage and great jobs and some kids. It’s kind of cliche but it was still our dream.

Fast forward to this year. The glass has been shattered one too many times. And the only person trying to fix it is me. You see the thing with loving someone who isn’t worth it is that you live in a lie. You live in one big lie. My coworkers thought I was the happiest girl in the world and that this boy was the one for me and he was the one of the few good guys left. LIE. My parents thought, though he was not all that great, he was fun to be around. LIE. I thought he was the one for me and I can show him the many many many great things the future had in store for him. LIE LIE LIE LIE. Your mind builds up this fake story, this fake life that in reality is a deception. And one day, you crack. The pieces are too minuscule to put back together. The glass has finally shattered. The lover you’ve known, the one who promised you all these grand things, is dead, replaced by the true self: a demon.

Sure I’ll admit that my heart still chokes up as I write this. But not because of him. But rather because I lied to myself thinking he would change for me. In all honesty, he didn’t give two craps in the world anymore no matter what he said. And you know what? I am okay with that. Because I am not with him. I have my life full of opportunities, paths and people that truly love me. So I didn’t find my one true love with my first love. So what? Happens to everyone. You are lucky if you find it with your first love (if you are one of those people congrats! :)).

The point is this: you are not stuck. If you think you are stuck and can’t get out you are wrong. You can get out. You can get out and rebuild your life. You can stop using that drug and not relapse. You are not their slave. You are not their worker. You are not their bitch. You can’t change them. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change them. That’s the truth. But you can make yourself stronger and get out of that. It’s hard. It’s going to be a long time for me to trust someone on that intimate level. But with time, patience and people who truly love you, I’ll get through this.

I love ZZ Ward. The number of times I heard her song “Last Love Song”, my eyes would water at the thought of the relationship I had ending. Now as I heard it in my car this morning, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. We were never the marrying type oh no…

So au revoir my love love, my pikachu. Your demon will surely not be missed.

“The love for a brother triumphs the love for a lover.” – Nicole Cacho

“True best friends never fail on understanding, forgiving, and being there for one another no matter what situation that they might be in or having with one another because of the fact that no matter if it’s two males or females, love should always be there as if brothers or sisters if their what we call best friends.” Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Friends 2 Lovers: The Unthinkable

Brothers. I am so happy to have someone to call my “brother” (from another mother xD). He’s always there for me and will walk to the ends of the earth for me that is for sure. He makes me laugh when I am down and gives me advice when I need it. If I could explain all the wonderful things he has done for me in the year we have known each other, the list would be infinite. So Hemingway, this one is for you. I love ya bro

- Silly Girl

Я вас любил… (I Loved You Once)

My friend Talbot showed me this beautiful Pushkin poem yesterday:

Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам бог любимой быть другим.

For those of you who do not speak or understand a word of Russian, here is the English translation:

I loved you once: perhaps that love has yet
To die down thoroughly within my soul;
But let it not dismay you any longer;
I have no wish to cause you any sorrow.
I loved you wordlessly, without a hope,
By shyness tortured, or by jealousy.
I loved you with such tenderness and candor
And pray God grants you to be loved that way again.

Talk about breaking up with someone in a beautiful artistic way. xD