I am proud to admit that I am NOT a love expert. However, I will use my previous experiences to help me find a healthier relationship in the future. If you are like me, then you will understand perfectly.
I have been in a relationship for over two and a half years (staggered but it equals up to that time). Love is a confusing thing and life is impossible to understand. We have been friends for two years before we started dating. The day we decided to become more than friends, I thought I was in a wonderful dream. And it was a wonderful dream for the most part. Sure he would screw up and I would screw up but we always forgave each other and brushed it off. That was our thing. We’d break the glass then put the pieces back together because we didn’t want to lose each other. We had a vision of our future: a perfect house with a happy marriage and great jobs and some kids. It’s kind of cliche but it was still our dream.
Fast forward to this year. The glass has been shattered one too many times. And the only person trying to fix it is me. You see the thing with loving someone who isn’t worth it is that you live in a lie. You live in one big lie. My coworkers thought I was the happiest girl in the world and that this boy was the one for me and he was the one of the few good guys left. LIE. My parents thought, though he was not all that great, he was fun to be around. LIE. I thought he was the one for me and I can show him the many many many great things the future had in store for him. LIE LIE LIE LIE. Your mind builds up this fake story, this fake life that in reality is a deception. And one day, you crack. The pieces are too minuscule to put back together. The glass has finally shattered. The lover you’ve known, the one who promised you all these grand things, is dead, replaced by the true self: a demon.
Sure I’ll admit that my heart still chokes up as I write this. But not because of him. But rather because I lied to myself thinking he would change for me. In all honesty, he didn’t give two craps in the world anymore no matter what he said. And you know what? I am okay with that. Because I am not with him. I have my life full of opportunities, paths and people that truly love me. So I didn’t find my one true love with my first love. So what? Happens to everyone. You are lucky if you find it with your first love (if you are one of those people congrats! :)).
The point is this: you are not stuck. If you think you are stuck and can’t get out you are wrong. You can get out. You can get out and rebuild your life. You can stop using that drug and not relapse. You are not their slave. You are not their worker. You are not their bitch. You can’t change them. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change them. That’s the truth. But you can make yourself stronger and get out of that. It’s hard. It’s going to be a long time for me to trust someone on that intimate level. But with time, patience and people who truly love you, I’ll get through this.
I love ZZ Ward. The number of times I heard her song “Last Love Song”, my eyes would water at the thought of the relationship I had ending. Now as I heard it in my car this morning, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. We were never the marrying type oh no…
So au revoir my love love, my pikachu. Your demon will surely not be missed.